Self-Destruct Mode: ON

Self-destruct mode

There are times when using the phrase "to fall off the wagon" would be a massive understatement. Numerous times over the years, I have fallen off the wellness wagon, pushed it off a cliff, set fire to its smashed-up remains, and danced on the glowing embers. So when we feel ourselves self-destructing, what should we do? Push harder or give ourselves a break?

I know the general rules I need to follow to help my gut, to help me be and feel as well as possible. True, the nuances of these rules often evade me, especially as things seem to shift around with the passing years, hence my continued research and experimentation. What's more, I have done it before and I know it works. So can someone please tell me why, why, WHY I go through these phases where I just don't do it? Where the self-destruct mode is on and the button gets stuck? And it's not like I feel well during these phases and so can't find the motivation to follow a strict regime. No no no, I feel rubbish on all fronts: tummy, stomach, skin, weight, sinuses, the works. So I feel crap. What do I do about it? I eat pastries, and chocolate, and ice-cream, and fruit gums, and am only saved by making a particular day the worst food day in history because my pizza delivery of choice is closed.

Sometimes I can snap myself out of the self-destruct cycle fairly quickly. Sometimes I have to hit rock bottom first.

The worse I feel, the more junk I will eat and the less I will take care of myself, making me feel even worse, so instead of switching to things that will make me feel better, I'm like, "right, time to kick myself while I'm down," and shovel in more crap. I've been in this place many, many times. Too many times. Sometimes I can snap myself out of the self-destruct cycle fairly quickly. Sometimes I have to hit rock bottom first (be it in the form of a flare, or a scary blood test result, or raging anxiety and depression with overwhelming negative thoughts that leave me curled up in a paralysed heap of tears and self-pity).

So why? I know I'm hurting myself, and I have both the knowledge and ability required to correct it. So what's stopping me? Am I just stupid, and ungrateful? I have the ability to help myself, what an absolute blessing, and I am just squandering it because I don’t want to go a day without my chocolate fix. It’s disgusting…

As long as we see our chosen 'healing regime' as restrictive or challenging in any way, we are ultimately making a negative association with it, and as such, we are creating something we instinctively want to rebel against.

Or is it just human? Is it a form of rebellion or limit-testing? Very possibly. Indeed, as long as we see our chosen 'healing regime' as restrictive or challenging in any way, we are ultimately making a negative association with it, and as such, we are creating something we instinctively want to rebel against. So the solution here seems to be to embrace our health-promoting diet, treatment or programme with as much positivity as possible. This is, of course, easier said than done!

I bow down to those health aficionados I see all over social media, that are able to muster unfathomable enthusiasm for a carrot, or an almond. They, very wisely I might add, judge food on how it makes them feel in the long run, and the premise for their chosen healthy-eating discipline (from which they are apparently somehow never tempted to stray) is that eating that way makes them feel good, gives them energy, clears their skin, rids them of a multitude of body and mind niggles. Well that's all brilliant, and extremely encouraging. But what I want to know is how have these people managed to do away with their desire for gluttonous, instant food-gratification? How do they not crave or miss those bad-for-you treats, for no other reason than the satisfaction of taste-meets-texture and the food-high that hits your brain in those moments that you are eating it. Sure it might leave you bloated, or craving more of the same - I am not promoting eating this kind of stuff by any means - but how do you stop wanting it altogether? I have been on many healthy eating expeditions, sometimes grudgingly, and sometimes filled to the brim with determination and vigour to heal my gut. These 'expeditions' have lasted anywhere from a few days to a couple of years. Yet I almost never did not wish I could eat something that was on the 'no' list. My powers of resistance have varied over the years, but the thoughts of forbidden foods have never left me. 

Once we are eating the 'right' way for our body (and this will inevitably vary from person to person), we simply won't want to eat anything else because it will ultimately mess with our natural diet-induced high.  

I am told, and truly believe, I have been approaching this all wrong. That we should look at it as treating ourselves with the respect we deserve, that the reason we want the bad-for-you stuff is because it is laden with addictive sugar or additives to hook us and keep us hooked, that once we are eating the 'right' way for our body (and this will inevitably vary from person to person), we simply won't want to eat anything else because it will ultimately mess with our natural diet-induced high. I really hope so, and while I don't dispute the validity of these claims, I am nonetheless blessed (or should that be cursed?) with a hearty dose of cynicism, and that cynicism tells me, from experience mind you, that all this is well and good, but life will always inevitably get in the way: you'll be too busy to do your meal prep, you won't always find the ingredients you want, there will be days you would rather gouge your eyes out than cook, and a whole host of other undermining scenarios.

Accept that there may be hard days, expect an adjustment period, be prepared to put in the time and effort, and if you fall off the wagon say "never mind", and get back on it as soon as you are able.

Assuming all these are true and likely, does that mean we simply shouldn't bother? Shall we just throw in the towel before we've even picked it up? Absolutely not! Helping ourselves improve our health and supporting our bodies through illness are not things we should ever give up on. True, it may take time to find what works best for you, you may have multiple bumps in the road, and it won't always be plain sailing days filled with smiling Instagram-worthy photo opportunities. Don't start out expecting everything to be easy breezy and then feel like a totally failure if you have a forbidden craving, or become sick to death of pumpkin seeds, or, worst case scenario, fall off the wagon and eat a doughnut! Instead, accept that there may be hard days, expect an adjustment period, be prepared to put in the time and effort, and if you fall off the wagon say "never mind", and get back on it as soon as you are able. Don't berate or chastise yourself for having a human moment and giving in to something you believe you shouldn't have felt, but did.

I am a firm believer that it's not what you do all the time that is important, but what you do most of the time. It's ultimately about balance. Depending on your health issue, and the degree of regime strictness it requires, find your very own 'golden ratio' (nothing to do with maths here!). For some it may be 70:30, where you are following your wellness plan for 70% of the time, but are more relaxed the other 30%. Or maybe it's 80:20, and for others it may need to be 90:10, at least to begin with. It will be different for each person, and for different phases of a person's health condition.

Even if we neglect 'Project Health' at times, we must remember that sometimes the benefits of simply resting and giving ourselves some transition time, can be half the battle, especially when it comes to turning that self-destruct mode back off.

During a determinedly 'off the wagon' phase, a friend once said to me: "So you're too tired to exercise, to meditate, or to follow the proper diet? Then treat yourself to 4 hours more sleep, or 2 days away. Try changing your 'medicine'! Move away from psychological have-to's and self-bullying, and turn to love and care instead, just some good old-fashioned TLC". So, even if we neglect 'Project Health' at times, we must remember that sometimes the benefits of simply resting and giving ourselves some transition time, can be half the battle, especially when it comes to turning that self-destruct mode back off.

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